Does anybody know that song? it is now stuck in my head and I can't seem to remember a good enough line of it to google it. Anyway, change. Yup, it comes and goes. Most of us are a little afraid to see it coming. Change forces us to face things that we may have been avoiding to see for a while. It forces us to take action. It makes us step out of our comfort zone. Ultimately, we know that change is good, change is evolution, and without it we would never grow and mature and that it is a necessity in life. That being said, who really wants to be stuck in the middle of that process? Who wants to face their fears full on not knowing what the end will be? As Christians we are always praying to be "broken down" and "built back up" by the Holy Spirit, and become more like who God wants us to be. That being said, who really wants to be down on their knees, crying, at their lowest low? I dont, I will admit it. It doesnt mean that I wont do it, it just means that in the end it all translates into fear, and fear is one of the things that can keep the smallest men from turning into a giants. It is the quickest emergency brake, in any situation. We all want to be brave, we all want to say that we are really "only" afraid of spiders, or dogs, or flying, but in reality we are all afraid of most everything most of the time. Isn't that inspiring? Not really.
My life has been flooded with change this past year. To no surprise, really, God told me it would be, but that doesnt make it that much easier. Change has come in many forms, good and bad. I have bought a new camera (good) and heard about friends or relatives being seriously ill(bad). I have had the opportunity of traveling a lot (even better!) and had to face the painful consequences of my stupid and selfish actions (even worse!) ... so, everything is changing.
But I think that the worst kind of change, at least for me, is the kind that is completely out of our control. I know that technically, if you look at the big picture, everything is out of our control because at any given moment we could choke on some steak, get run over by a bus, or even more likely, in these days, get fired. But we all like to think we are in control, right? I am a go-getter. I am not ashamed. I also set goals, which is the best way for me to not get distracted or lazy. I am a lady in action! Haha... you would see now how hard it is for me to leave things up in the air for other people to take action, or wait for God's timing to come around. Which right now seems to be the theme of my life. Work and friendships are all wrapped around this last theme. I just hate not knowing. If I knew that everything would turn out alright in the end, then I wouldnt worry, I wouldnt cry, I wouldnt talk my dad's ear off every three days about how the sky is falling. So I guess its really an issue with faith. I need to have faith that everything will turn out OK, and then I will do better. The only way of doing this is to strengthen my relationship with God, which involves a serious time commitment from my part, and willingness to listen. So... change, fear, faith. That is the equation right now, that is what keeps me up at night. At the same time though, it might just be what keeps me going.